I LOVE bad movies.
As a teenager fresh from a deployment overseas, I was introduced to the fledgling network Comedy Central and a little show known as Mystery Science Theater 3000 (or MST3K). I fell in love with the format, a bunch of guys enduring bad movies and the range of reactions a bad movie can bring.
My friends and I did this a lot, we would go to Blockbuster (RIP) or Hollywood Video (RIP) and look for the cheesiest, low budget movies we could find. Now the discount box at Walmart or secondhand video places are the best to find them. Combined with late night Dungeons and Dragons, junk food and alcohol and you've got a formula for quite the evening.
Nowadays there are a lot of places to talk about bad movies. There are podcasts about bad films that have been running for years. (Check out How Did this Get Made, Red Letter Media's Best of the Worst and We Hate Movies, to name some of the best.) The MST3K guys have Rifftrax, and with downloading we have access to bad films from all over the globe. There are filmmakers worldwide who have made utter crap for us to enjoy.
When I'm not doing as much with the model side of the page, I figure I'll make good on a promise I made long ago to talk about some of my other interests. Bad movies are dear to me and I'll write about them as often as I can. I will no doubt cover some well-trod paths that many other better sites have already traveled, but I'm hoping to introduce people to this world that aren't familiar with it. So those of you who have seen some of these, I hope I'm at least a little entertaining.
Buckle up, kids. The truckster is on its way to WallyWorld, and we're not stopping. Not for anything.
 |
| Mecum Auctions |
A bad movie can tell you a lot about the person watching it. Some will laugh hysterically at the ridiculousness of it. Some will be fascinated by the inept technical aspects of a film, be it the editing, bad effects, lousy writing, etc. Some will dissect the plot points (or lack thereof), attempting to find some logic in it. Some will just stare dumbfounded.
Then there is resentment. Sometimes, a movie is so awful, so insulting to the viewer's intelligence, or so ineptly made that it taps into the primitive lizard brain and dredges up the basest "fight or flight" response. These people will either turn the movie off in frustration, never to finish it, or begin a slow burn of indignation and anger at the film and themselves for watching it.
It's especially fun when you have a mix of all types at once. It's a truly special movie that can elicit so many diverse reactions without having a single positive thing to present.
 | |
| I'll just leave this here. |
Movie #1: Future Force.
For my first foray into reviewing bad movies for complete strangers, I decided to start with one that is near and dear to my heart. Part one of a two part epic saga, starring David Carradine.
 | |
| RIP. |
This one is available on Rifftrax. I've loved this movie for years. I haven't watched their version yet as I don't want it to affect my review here.
Some critics describe certain films as being "gritty" or "dark". This movie is "sweaty". I almost used "moist" but that made me think of Dr. Horrible and I laughed. There is little to laugh about in this movie.
EVERYONE in this movie, with the possible exception of the female lead, looks like they spent 90 minutes doing wind sprints through a trough of KY Jelly in a hot yoga studio with a quick roll through the parking lot to even out the finish.
And now, the "plot".
David Carradine (RIP) is Tucker, a member of C.O.P.S., a group of sweaty, mullet-headed, denim and polyester clad group of borderline personalities whose job is to bring in convicted felons for bounties. Or kill them, whatever. They get paid either way apparently. It would also seem that their bounties have been convicted in absentia, since they are on the streets despite having some pretty impressive convictions they aren't yet in jail for. They appear to be the primary form of law enforcement in whatever shithole city this is set in, as real police never show up to the numerous gun battles that take place in major urban settings.
So basically, you're walking home from work and a grimy, possibly drunk Kwai Chang Caine in a denim vest is waiting at your car. You can come with him willingly, or die. So you do have a choice, I guess.
Most criminals as a rule (especially in movies) are not very smart. The ones in this movie are exponentially dumber than most, as not one takes him up on his offer to come in and, y'know, live. Most die by gunshot, but several meet their demise via Tucker's flying robotic Power Glove that he keeps in the back of his clapped out Jeep Cherokee. Because this is The Future.
Yes, it flies. It can also hold a revving car in place anchored to nothing more than a then-53 year-old man who appears to be dying from consumption. And shoot lightning. The only thing it can't do is fit inside the trigger guard of a pistol that is used far more often.
Like so many "I work alone" hero types from the eighties, Tucker has a partner who does most of the grunt work and computer 'hacking' that most TV and film producers apparently still see as a form of Dark Magic. He dies too, of course. But I digress.
A TV reporter comes up with some incriminating footage involving the head of the C.O.P.S. organization, and a bounty is immediately placed on her head. Exciting Things Happen and she winds up looking for protection from Our Hero.
The rest of the movie is pretty much just a series of low speed car chases and gunfights with unlimited ammo interspersed with sweaty strip club shootouts and a few knife kills from badguy #2. It's not nearly as much fun as it sounds. But it has its moments.
The movie is really firing on all cylinders when Tucker brings out the Power Glove with its single button garage door opener remote to dick-punch the bad guy into submission. And the main bad guy dies in a hail of bullets as all 80s villains are contractually obligated to do. Happy ending, sunset, drive off. Credits.
And this movie got a sequel. I won't go into too much detail but time travel and Tucker's son are involved. So this guy impregnated somebody in this film's universe. Let that sink in.
 |
| Ladies....... |
